Wait a Minute...It's ME!!

" Your current life is the result of previous choices, if you want something different, begin to choose differently"
~~Author Unknown

I am my own worst critic most days, while many people are harder on themselves, I take self criticism to what most would describe as unhealthy levels. I've had a few sobering events the past few months that have served to teach me a lesson that;s finally starting to sink in....

I NEED TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.

Prompted mostly from suffocating feelings of loneliness and despair I tend to spend a lot of time trying to correct some of my past missteps. I've coming to the rattling conclusion that apparently it is NOT everyone else in the universe is failing to see how awesome I actually am. Maybe, maybe just maybe, I'm not that damn awesome. (The narcissism is rooted entirely in sarcasm, I promise..KINDA)

First steps in corrective action thus far has been being brutally honest with myself (way harder than it sounds) and really listening and paying attention to my interaction with others. I found in doing this, I didn't really like what I saw. When many of my not so redeeming qualities are referenced repeatedly in random conversations I finally started to take note (hint: alot of what people say in jest are really their actual feelings that they soften with a touch of humor, I liken it to adding "LOL" to a scathing text message).  While my pride won't let me bullet out some (ok, any) of these points, I assure you the assembled list leaves me wondering do people even actually like me at all or do they tolerate me (my lack of contact with people the past few years leads me to believe worst case scenario).

Though I always have the best intentions I also have mastered the fine arts of things like self sabotage, self loathing and I can throw one mean pity party. Its scary sometimes how despite having people around you how lonely and sad one can really feel. This ladies and gentleman serves as blood in the water to a surplus of bad choices. Which in turn serves to perpetuate the bad behavior and before you know it you are in a cycle of meeting and dating the wrong guys, having friends but feeling like you have no one to talk to and questioning your own self worth and whether you will actually find the mythical unicorn that is happiness.

In comes my reset button....

Time to start taking better care of myself, I'm no spring chicken and takes a lot of effort to live a healthier lifestyle and start necessary changes so that I age as gracefully as possible. If I don't like what I see what I look like in the mirror, time to put in the effort into doing something about it.

Time to start being the person I thought I was but apparently am not.

Time to stop feigning confidence as a defense mechanism and actually believe in myself.

Time to start taking my own advice. Its amazing how much you learn through pain and suffering. Everyone has it but not everyone learns from it. I can always lend an ear to someone and offer what little advice I can should they ask based on my experiences but application of my advice in my own life is a different story.

Time to start doing my part in maintaining my relationships (family and friends, since at the moment thats all there is) as opposed to wallowing in self pity and basing my feelings of being wanted on people reaching out to me to say "hey whats up, how's it going" cause as I discovered it can be days even weeks before people check in to see if your even alive and not slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke your neck (mothers are an exclusion here). If after putting in valiant effort in these relationships, there's no change, maybe these are ties that need to be broken.

Though this may not be a surefire recipe to fix the ocean of issues I have, its definitely a few definitive steps in the way of self acceptance and contentment.

Though my situation may be exclusive to me. I think this type of self exploration happens to us all eventually. Know it is not everyone else that is ruining your life. You are the artist whose brushstrokes ultimately paint the canvas that is your life, its never to late to change what that picture says to the world.

Clipped Wings

You know I don't know if I'll ever even publish this post but the therapeutic relief felt from being forced to contemplate and analyze my feelings offers a sense of relief I feel I need at the moment. I toyed with titling this post Clipped Wings or Beautifully Broken, both offer a somber poetic justice to the tone of what I have to say. It's funny how as one gets older you start dealing with the harsh realities of one's life as opposed to the dreams that become deferred. You begin to analyze and appreciate the differences that make  you and your friends unique and assess where you are in life and the decisions that got you there.
There are a select few in life who get everything they want and even that is subject to interpretation depending on who's telling the story. I, like most, suffered alot of adversity in my short 31 years of life, as do most, but I can only learn from my experiences and lessons learned from the experiences of those around. me.
Most people are never fundamentally happy with there situation. They tend to covet what others have in terms of financial wealth, love, material things and societal acceptance in general. Whether subconscious or not, comparisons are always made to others, even if if its not the tangible accomplishment of that person but there ability to accomplish their dreams in genreral.
One of the things I love about my friends is we are all so different yet our friendship works. Not with out trials or disagreements but that's to be expected. Though I don't share alot of the same desires they do I am always excited with they are able to reach one of their milestones. It also ignites self reflection on my part. More and more I dislike what I see and how I feel. Sometimes everything is all good and I'm fine and other times, what I have coined as clarified moments of sadness, leave me in a funk. I am absolutely no where near where I dreamed I would be be now. And though I know in my heart of hearts God doesn't make mistakes, its still hard to come to terms with my life sometimes. The good times are great but by contrast the bad times are gut wrenchingly painful. Sometimes I can feel so utterly and absolutely alone and its the mos terrible thing in the world. Friends and family can only do but so much but so much of it is coming to terms on your own. I once had a friend tell me she worries about me more so than any of our other friends because despite what most from the outside see as a good life, she knew the pain in my eyes and in my heart and the fact that I never deal with it. Which I guess is true to a point, I'm not really one for a pity party.
I think the harsh reality that I must come to face is I may be irreparably broken. I feel so trapped by the choices that I've made and pain I've endured that the walls I've built have done nothing but imprison me in a cage I can't escape. I think I have so much to offer the world but partly feel I can't or never deserve to achieve it or felt I'm dealt with so much bad in my life that its better to appreciate the little I do have than to dare to want more.
No one ever gets everything they want in life. Nor does life ever give you what you bargain for. Its hard to articulate but its so hard for people to look at you and what you have in life and have accomplished and for you to feel such the bipolar opposite inside than what others think. My personal story contains so much heartache; the lying, betrayal, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual assault, manipulation, rejection, blatant disregard for the fact that even have feelings, scapegoating, and indifference I'e endured from everyone I've encountered mostly from those closest to me has left me damaged (for lack of a better word). I continue to endure some of these things because, like most I've been able to create a persona of indifference or callousness as a defense mechanism which some readily take as a bullseye because they believe you can handle it or your ok.
I'm an avid people watcher, not because of the comical aspect but because of my genuine interest in what their story is, how there got to this point in there life and whether the same pain hides behind their eyes as does mine. Everyone has a story and I don't claim to have one any more tragic than anyone else.
I feel bad that I am unable to trust, believe or rely on anyone because of my life's experiences and know I can't bring anyone else into the beautifully broken tragedy that is my life. Maybe what seems to be the irreparable breaking of my spirit is to help mold me into a better person overall, whatever that means. Maybe everyone's journey isn't meant to be seamless or picture perfect. History has shown us that some people's lives are meant to be tragic and the product  of the pain they endure serves to create the most beautiful things. Music and art are perfect examples of this, and while I have no inclination in either of these, maybe I can only hope that my melancholy, disparaging existence offers someone or something else some new found appreciation for something else in their life.

Just some of my self reflective observations to help me get through to the next day. Maybe someone who reads this who may feel the same, will find solace in knowing they aren't alone in feeling this way or begin their own journey of self reflection. Its definitely a hard thing to do and while I think I may be emotionally beyond repair, I think at least gaining a better understanding of one's self still brings about some type of peace and better equips you to prepare anyone who attempts to love you to understand what you need and why you are the way you are. Despite being broken, I resolve nothing happens to you that isn't supposed to and though you may not fully understand, still trust that there still lies beauty in the scars life has left you with.

Sacrifice..A Necessary Evil

Oh to be young again. You know we really don't know how good you have it until you get older. They always say hindsight is 20/20, not sure if truer words have ever been spoken. The one reoccuring theme I think a loathe the most about adulthood is the incessant need to sacrifice.

Gone are the days of childlike innocence where one would dream big and have huge unrealistic expectations only to get to adulthood and be told you can't have it all.

Life is constantly about choices, no one can have everything they want, when they want it. Everyday is a constant analysis of pros and cons: from the simple things like what one is able to accomplish in a day versus what one has to forego to big things like foregoing one's pipe dreams for the more conservative ones that provide more stability for you and your children.

Regardless of the choices one faces in life sacrifice is a necessary evil that everyone must endure. As opposed to focusing on what one has to give up, learn to appreciate the journey because the sacrifices one makes help to mold who you are. God doesn't make mistakes,  and whatever your path is supposed to be is what will happen. The overall lesson in sacrifice, at least in the ones I've reflected on lately, is acceptance and appreciation for the blessings around you since nothing is as I expected, still there's no other place I'd rather be than where I am at this moment.

Well maybe Jamaica, definitely wouldn't mind being in Jamaica right now as opposed to work, LOL.

Dating and Kids: I Wish I Knew the Rules

Trying to date while being a single mom is extremely stressful and hard. You always have this thought in the back of your mind, hoping that your handling things correctly. Worrying about the lasting impact of what you expose your child has to is having on them and their ever developing opinions on relationships, gender roles, how women should conduct themselves, what courtship looks like etc.

Any random Google search yields varying opinions on what's the correct approach to dating w/ kids. But which answer is the right one?! I think every situation is different and should be handled as such. My best resource in trying to decide the best course of action for myself has been my past experiences from when my mom was dating, talking to her now, and prayer.

Despite your best efforts, you always have this nagging fear of traumatizing your child or the kind of influence your actions are having on him. My son's father and I haven't been together in 5 yrs. That relationship impacted me emotionally in ways I'm still discovering to this day (that conversation is probably better suited for someone's couch, LOL). Best part of that relationship was my beautiful son .

He has a good relationship with his father and up until recently, we have both created this reality where though we are not together, we completely exclude him from our respective love lives so all he knows is mom and dad, despite there being two households. Clearly this can not go on forever.

Determined not to feed into societal norms and stereotypes of bickering, drama and spite, I am determined to make this process as smooth of a transition and as drama free as possible. I believe it to be completely feasible to handle this in a way that not just minimally impacts him, but so that whatever impact exists is a positive one. In doing so, I'm kind of making up rules as I go. Here's some ones that I've come up with thus far:

• Don't just introduce your child to anyone. Be sure you see potential evolution with someone and know where you are both headed before involving your kids. And by know, I mean have a candid conversation with this person, not assume you know where your headed.
• Once you decide its time to introduce your child to someone, still limit their exposure to this person. It's important for a potential love interest to know what all is in entailed in dating you and your life but having them around your kids a lot allows your child to bond with them as well. Should the relationship fail, not only are you heartbroken but your child will miss them as well.
• Talk with your kids. Children are smarter than parents can give them credit for sometimes. Both parents will eventually move on and kids can be confused in what's happening around them. They need to understand you aren't trying to replace mom or dad and that both parents love them very much and that won't change. As well as what role this new person may have in their lives depending on how things go.
• Talk with the other parent. They care about the child's welfare as much as you do and while its not necessary to give them play by play on your personal life, things that affect your child should be discussed like adults. 

This is about as far as I've gotten given this is uncharted territory. I do believe exposure to unhealthy relationships breeds difficulty in children being able to grow up and maintain healthy relationships, esp with never really being exposed to good examples, not impossible but difficult nonetheless. Steering the course through these murky waters is an inevitability but as long as your mindful and both parents keep the child's interests first and avoid petty pandering, you can only hope and pray your doing everything right. Communication, managing child impact responsibly and setting realistic expectations are key. Its not just the scary part of opening up your feelings and life to someone new but your child's feelings and perspective as well. 

My Love Affair with Music

God, my son, food and MUSIC= my great loves

 I never really fancied myself an artistic or creative type person. This being the case, a lot of times I don't have an outlet to express how I'm feeling in a way that does the intensity of whatever emotion I'm feeling justice.That's what music is for me, an extension of what I'm feeling. At times when I'm happy, the music I listen to reflects that, same goes for sadness, determination, times when I feel lost, etc.

Conversely music can touch me in a way that no other art form can, it can tap into my core and stir emotions in me I had suppressed, forgotten, or didn't even know existed. I actually prefer music over television, unless musicals are involved. I'm fairly certain it has a lot to do with my high level of empathy. I'm so easily stirred by things because of that fact, I have a tendency to always put myself in someone's shoes. In a sense, I react as if its happening to me. The passion that is exuded through music reverberates through me, its really such a surreal, exhilarating thing for me. I was telling someone the other day, while I love all genres of music, I have not been able to really connect with jazz, there's not a lot of lyrical content in jazz so there's nothing to connect with for me. Its weird, one jazz CD that I do love is Esperenza Spaulding, she is amazing, she speaks to my musical subconscious. She actually sings in few different languages and despite the fact I don't know what she's saying, I know what she's feeling, what a special thing to be able to do.

I remember being little and watching Aladdin and wishing I had a genie, I always knew what my three wishes would be; first and foremost I wished I could sing like CeCe Winans, Helen Baylor, Amy Grant or the ladies who lead praise and worship at church (I lead a very sheltered Christian childhood, these were my versions of superstars). Now don't get me wrong, I can hold a note or three, but I wanted the gift of being able to touch people with music the way it touched me. I always felt silly for feeling this way, funny thing is, I was having one of many random convos with my mom, and she feels the same way (maybe its genetic, LOL).

So until a big blue genie shows up, I'll still be somewhere singing and dancing along with musicals. If you see me and I'm listening to gospel, I'm feeling lost and looking for solace and guidance. If I'm doing my hardcore hip hop, I'm using in an invincible mood or trying to get there, not letting BS get to me, feeling like I can take on anything. Lovey dovey music...you can ask me who he is but I probably won't tell you, LOL. If Queen Bey is on, there's no telling, her albums could tell my life's story on their own, but my feeling on Beyonce as an icon for black women of my generation is a post for another day.

Music sets the soundtrack to my life and what an eclectic, beautiful body of work its been thus far.

Taking on the Big Apple

Apprehensive about the bitter cold I was about to endure. I overpacked my body bag of a suitcase and boarded  my flight for NYC for a much needed girls weekend. I wasn't originally thrilled at the idea of tackling New York City with the girls in the blistering cold when the original itinerary was supposed to be Las Vegas.

This was the best trip we've taken in a long time. I can't remember the last time I've had that much fun. I have a tendency to feel disconnected from my friends a lot since I can't be around as much as I would like due to my demanding schedule. I have learned in my 30 years of life that ALL relationships require work, not just the ones with significant others but friends and family members (my family is a post for another day, geesh, SMH). 

The great thing about real friends is even if life gets hectic, which is usually does, with real friends, you can pick up right where you left off. There was nothing but laughter and joy and catching up on each others lives. Of course I'm not the only one busy, I have an exceptional group of friends; we are all intelligent, ambitious, loving, and slightly cray cray, LOL, taking over the world is hard work. We can catch up with each other one on one but to get together collectively, sometimes we can go months at a time. As a single mother its so easy to lose your identity and become only defined by your child; fellowship with those who knew and loved you before you took on that role helps to keep one from feeling like you no longer exist as a person but only a facilitator from someone's life. I don't take anything away from motherhood, its one of the greatest joy's in life but it feels good to be Jenara sometimes, not just Tylen's mom. I never wanna feel like I lose sight of who "Jenara" is, and weekend's like this past one helps in that. 

Now that the battery's recharged, back to our regularly scheduled program. Well not before a few pics: 

Made everyone suffer because I wanted to go to the Financial District (that's the NYSE behind me) Note my flyy flat twist out (couldn't tell me nothin)

Me and the girls in Times Square

Heading out to more clubs than I can remember :P

My first trip to Chipotle, had the Steak Burrito Bowl...Moe's is in trouble if they ever come here

The best pizza and Baked Ziti I've ever had in my life, thank you for existing Pizza Rustica

Settling into 2012

New year = new attitude and new outlook on life makes for a much happier me. I typed up a fairly detailed list of goals I'd like to accomplish this year (don't do resolutions since I'm always trying to be the best me everyday),  2012 will be my year of put up or shut up for alot of things on my bucket list as well as some behavior modifications I'm gonna stop making excuses for. 

2012 To Do List

(In no particular order)

Get Concealed Weapons Permit

Skydiving

2 More Tattoos

Travel More (lots more)

Get a Passport

Start Tithing

Bikram Yoga

Cooper River Bridge Run

Start Tylen's College Fund (1 yr behind schedule, shame on me!!)

Start myself an additional retirement account (got some serious catching up to do)

New Job

Show my friends and family that I appreciate more

Get Baptized (that goes for me and Tylen)
Wall Climbing (James Island County Park)
Attend a Mixology class
Don't engage in gossip
Take Tylen on a legitimate family vacation
Complete Couch to 5k
Take and pass the CPA exam
Join professional organizations (AICPA, SCAPA, and NBMBA)
Financial Stability

I think this list is realistic and totally feasible. Fairly well into the new job goal, next up will be 1 new tat and trip to NYC with the girls (shriek!! Uber excited). I intentionally left my nonexistent love life off of there since I'm going to control what I can, and that's me, and put the rest in God's hands.

On to my favorite hobby...My Hair!! LOL

I BCd September 2010 so I've been natural for about 1.5yrs now. I have learned more about myself and have had to face a lot of my insecurities head on...and feel like I'm a better person for it. I totally love my hair, which I am typing as 4b, and love the person I am becoming as a result of my journey. I not only strive to find the best hair care practices but now strive for overall wellness: mind, body and soul. I love taking care of my hair (for my own selfish reason: its the only time in my day that's mine, I work two jobs and am a full time single parent). I started off all organic and could not keep my PJism in check. Then I said forget it, and submerged myself in cones, sulfates, parabens, mineral oil...you name it I tried it. That lasted all of two months. I'm back on my natural regiment, My hair's about collarbone length now and I have yet to straighten it (terrified of heat damage). So just gonna keep up my regular regiment....keep experimenting with new styles and continue figuring out what works best for me. My staples are as follow:

Henna

Tresemme Naturals Nourishing Conditioner

Garnier Fructis Triple Nutrition Conditioner

Shea Moisture Moisture Retention Shampoo

Shea Moisture Deep Treatment Masque

Castor Oil

Shealoe

Ecostyler Olive Oil gel

Anita Grant Rhassoul Clay Cubes

Honey 

EVOO

I'm seemingly finding my happy so far this year and pray that continues to be the case. It's amazing how the more you appreciate what you already have the more you receive. Feels good to be in a good place.