" Your current life is the result of previous choices, if you want something different, begin to choose differently"
~~Author Unknown
I am my own worst critic most days, while many people are harder on themselves, I take self criticism to what most would describe as unhealthy levels. I've had a few sobering events the past few months that have served to teach me a lesson that;s finally starting to sink in....
I NEED TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
Prompted mostly from suffocating feelings of loneliness and despair I tend to spend a lot of time trying to correct some of my past missteps. I've coming to the rattling conclusion that apparently it is NOT everyone else in the universe is failing to see how awesome I actually am. Maybe, maybe just maybe, I'm not that damn awesome. (The narcissism is rooted entirely in sarcasm, I promise..KINDA)
First steps in corrective action thus far has been being brutally honest with myself (way harder than it sounds) and really listening and paying attention to my interaction with others. I found in doing this, I didn't really like what I saw. When many of my not so redeeming qualities are referenced repeatedly in random conversations I finally started to take note (hint: alot of what people say in jest are really their actual feelings that they soften with a touch of humor, I liken it to adding "LOL" to a scathing text message). While my pride won't let me bullet out some (ok, any) of these points, I assure you the assembled list leaves me wondering do people even actually like me at all or do they tolerate me (my lack of contact with people the past few years leads me to believe worst case scenario).
Though I always have the best intentions I also have mastered the fine arts of things like self sabotage, self loathing and I can throw one mean pity party. Its scary sometimes how despite having people around you how lonely and sad one can really feel. This ladies and gentleman serves as blood in the water to a surplus of bad choices. Which in turn serves to perpetuate the bad behavior and before you know it you are in a cycle of meeting and dating the wrong guys, having friends but feeling like you have no one to talk to and questioning your own self worth and whether you will actually find the mythical unicorn that is happiness.
In comes my reset button....
Time to start taking better care of myself, I'm no spring chicken and takes a lot of effort to live a healthier lifestyle and start necessary changes so that I age as gracefully as possible. If I don't like what I see what I look like in the mirror, time to put in the effort into doing something about it.
Time to start being the person I thought I was but apparently am not.
Time to stop feigning confidence as a defense mechanism and actually believe in myself.
Time to start taking my own advice. Its amazing how much you learn through pain and suffering. Everyone has it but not everyone learns from it. I can always lend an ear to someone and offer what little advice I can should they ask based on my experiences but application of my advice in my own life is a different story.
Time to start doing my part in maintaining my relationships (family and friends, since at the moment thats all there is) as opposed to wallowing in self pity and basing my feelings of being wanted on people reaching out to me to say "hey whats up, how's it going" cause as I discovered it can be days even weeks before people check in to see if your even alive and not slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke your neck (mothers are an exclusion here). If after putting in valiant effort in these relationships, there's no change, maybe these are ties that need to be broken.
Though this may not be a surefire recipe to fix the ocean of issues I have, its definitely a few definitive steps in the way of self acceptance and contentment.
Though my situation may be exclusive to me. I think this type of self exploration happens to us all eventually. Know it is not everyone else that is ruining your life. You are the artist whose brushstrokes ultimately paint the canvas that is your life, its never to late to change what that picture says to the world.
