Dating and Kids: I Wish I Knew the Rules

Trying to date while being a single mom is extremely stressful and hard. You always have this thought in the back of your mind, hoping that your handling things correctly. Worrying about the lasting impact of what you expose your child has to is having on them and their ever developing opinions on relationships, gender roles, how women should conduct themselves, what courtship looks like etc.

Any random Google search yields varying opinions on what's the correct approach to dating w/ kids. But which answer is the right one?! I think every situation is different and should be handled as such. My best resource in trying to decide the best course of action for myself has been my past experiences from when my mom was dating, talking to her now, and prayer.

Despite your best efforts, you always have this nagging fear of traumatizing your child or the kind of influence your actions are having on him. My son's father and I haven't been together in 5 yrs. That relationship impacted me emotionally in ways I'm still discovering to this day (that conversation is probably better suited for someone's couch, LOL). Best part of that relationship was my beautiful son .

He has a good relationship with his father and up until recently, we have both created this reality where though we are not together, we completely exclude him from our respective love lives so all he knows is mom and dad, despite there being two households. Clearly this can not go on forever.

Determined not to feed into societal norms and stereotypes of bickering, drama and spite, I am determined to make this process as smooth of a transition and as drama free as possible. I believe it to be completely feasible to handle this in a way that not just minimally impacts him, but so that whatever impact exists is a positive one. In doing so, I'm kind of making up rules as I go. Here's some ones that I've come up with thus far:

• Don't just introduce your child to anyone. Be sure you see potential evolution with someone and know where you are both headed before involving your kids. And by know, I mean have a candid conversation with this person, not assume you know where your headed.
• Once you decide its time to introduce your child to someone, still limit their exposure to this person. It's important for a potential love interest to know what all is in entailed in dating you and your life but having them around your kids a lot allows your child to bond with them as well. Should the relationship fail, not only are you heartbroken but your child will miss them as well.
• Talk with your kids. Children are smarter than parents can give them credit for sometimes. Both parents will eventually move on and kids can be confused in what's happening around them. They need to understand you aren't trying to replace mom or dad and that both parents love them very much and that won't change. As well as what role this new person may have in their lives depending on how things go.
• Talk with the other parent. They care about the child's welfare as much as you do and while its not necessary to give them play by play on your personal life, things that affect your child should be discussed like adults. 

This is about as far as I've gotten given this is uncharted territory. I do believe exposure to unhealthy relationships breeds difficulty in children being able to grow up and maintain healthy relationships, esp with never really being exposed to good examples, not impossible but difficult nonetheless. Steering the course through these murky waters is an inevitability but as long as your mindful and both parents keep the child's interests first and avoid petty pandering, you can only hope and pray your doing everything right. Communication, managing child impact responsibly and setting realistic expectations are key. Its not just the scary part of opening up your feelings and life to someone new but your child's feelings and perspective as well.