There are a select few in life who get everything they want and even that is subject to interpretation depending on who's telling the story. I, like most, suffered alot of adversity in my short 31 years of life, as do most, but I can only learn from my experiences and lessons learned from the experiences of those around. me.
Most people are never fundamentally happy with there situation. They tend to covet what others have in terms of financial wealth, love, material things and societal acceptance in general. Whether subconscious or not, comparisons are always made to others, even if if its not the tangible accomplishment of that person but there ability to accomplish their dreams in genreral.
One of the things I love about my friends is we are all so different yet our friendship works. Not with out trials or disagreements but that's to be expected. Though I don't share alot of the same desires they do I am always excited with they are able to reach one of their milestones. It also ignites self reflection on my part. More and more I dislike what I see and how I feel. Sometimes everything is all good and I'm fine and other times, what I have coined as clarified moments of sadness, leave me in a funk. I am absolutely no where near where I dreamed I would be be now. And though I know in my heart of hearts God doesn't make mistakes, its still hard to come to terms with my life sometimes. The good times are great but by contrast the bad times are gut wrenchingly painful. Sometimes I can feel so utterly and absolutely alone and its the mos terrible thing in the world. Friends and family can only do but so much but so much of it is coming to terms on your own. I once had a friend tell me she worries about me more so than any of our other friends because despite what most from the outside see as a good life, she knew the pain in my eyes and in my heart and the fact that I never deal with it. Which I guess is true to a point, I'm not really one for a pity party.
I think the harsh reality that I must come to face is I may be irreparably broken. I feel so trapped by the choices that I've made and pain I've endured that the walls I've built have done nothing but imprison me in a cage I can't escape. I think I have so much to offer the world but partly feel I can't or never deserve to achieve it or felt I'm dealt with so much bad in my life that its better to appreciate the little I do have than to dare to want more.
No one ever gets everything they want in life. Nor does life ever give you what you bargain for. Its hard to articulate but its so hard for people to look at you and what you have in life and have accomplished and for you to feel such the bipolar opposite inside than what others think. My personal story contains so much heartache; the lying, betrayal, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual assault, manipulation, rejection, blatant disregard for the fact that even have feelings, scapegoating, and indifference I'e endured from everyone I've encountered mostly from those closest to me has left me damaged (for lack of a better word). I continue to endure some of these things because, like most I've been able to create a persona of indifference or callousness as a defense mechanism which some readily take as a bullseye because they believe you can handle it or your ok.
I'm an avid people watcher, not because of the comical aspect but because of my genuine interest in what their story is, how there got to this point in there life and whether the same pain hides behind their eyes as does mine. Everyone has a story and I don't claim to have one any more tragic than anyone else.
I feel bad that I am unable to trust, believe or rely on anyone because of my life's experiences and know I can't bring anyone else into the beautifully broken tragedy that is my life. Maybe what seems to be the irreparable breaking of my spirit is to help mold me into a better person overall, whatever that means. Maybe everyone's journey isn't meant to be seamless or picture perfect. History has shown us that some people's lives are meant to be tragic and the product of the pain they endure serves to create the most beautiful things. Music and art are perfect examples of this, and while I have no inclination in either of these, maybe I can only hope that my melancholy, disparaging existence offers someone or something else some new found appreciation for something else in their life.
Just some of my self reflective observations to help me get through to the next day. Maybe someone who reads this who may feel the same, will find solace in knowing they aren't alone in feeling this way or begin their own journey of self reflection. Its definitely a hard thing to do and while I think I may be emotionally beyond repair, I think at least gaining a better understanding of one's self still brings about some type of peace and better equips you to prepare anyone who attempts to love you to understand what you need and why you are the way you are. Despite being broken, I resolve nothing happens to you that isn't supposed to and though you may not fully understand, still trust that there still lies beauty in the scars life has left you with.
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